Top 10 reasons why a dog doesn't use a
10. T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds (It's hard to type with
9. 'Sit' and 'stay' were hard enough; 'delete' and 'save' are out of the
8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
7. Carpal Paw Syndrome.
6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing www.purina.com or
the '50 ways to skin a cat' sites.
5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates.
4. Can't help attacking the screen when he hears, 'you've got mail'.
3. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits.
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
1. Can't stick his head out of Windows 98.
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep
with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
Things Dogs Must Try To Remember
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license
and car registration.
For Cat Lovers.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it
will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like
the dog did it.
Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.
Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments,
but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find
them. But they don't, so that's all right.
Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they
wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely
In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.
One cat just leads to another.
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many
other fine qualities as well.
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.
You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.
Rules for Cats
Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
1. CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time,
get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs
and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and
think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold
weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If
you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath. For sitting on
laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with
your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the
guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to
stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the
dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is
to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here."
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just
sit and stare.
If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the
busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are
the rules for hampering:
A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up
B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and
the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw
at it until shredded.
Things I've Learned From My Cat
Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them,
and play with them when they're busy.
Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".
Dogs 'n Light Bulbs
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...
Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs.
I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.
8. If I saw it first, its mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
10. If its broken, its yours.
Kewl Cat Quips!
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods...
Cats have never forgotten this.
Here's proof that Cats are smarter than dogs...
You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. Dogs come when they're
called; cats take a message and get back to you later.
People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life. Dogs believe
they are human. Cats believe they are God! Some people say that cats are sneaky,
evil, and cruel.
I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic. My husband said it was him or the
cat... I miss him sometimes.
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit!